Second Opinion

"She can't hear." Doctor Tom told my mother.

"She can't hear?!....Jessie!"

"Huh?" I looked at her.

"She says huh when she means what. And not because she can't hear me." Mom turned back to me. "You need to stop saying huh. Understand?"

"Yes." I nodded.

"Your daughter needs surgery."

"No she doesn't."

I looked at the ground. Would of left if i could have. I didn't want surgery. 

"I'm getting a second opinion."

"I understand."

I knew this meant we'd never be back. I secretly waved goodbye to Mrs. P. behind the desk as we marched out. I didn't get a sticker. Mom's long legs moved fast and we shared no words until our thirty-mile drive home. 

"Lets pray Jessie that you don't need surgery." Instead of closing my eyes, I turned towards her and watched her mouth move in prayer. "Dear Lord, please heal Jessie's ears. Please heal them in time for her to not fall behind or until you can provide us with enough money for the cost. Please hold me strong when I call her father tonight. Help him understand the importance of this and the reality of my financial struggle. We ask for your guidance and strength. in Jesus' name we pray, Amen."

"Amen."

She never broke her gaze over the road in front. I lay my head against the door and watched the trees pass until the wind put me to sleep. 

"Jessie." Mom touched my hair to wake me. "Jessie, they're mowin the fields." The heat had melted me. I was drenched in sweat and stuck to the seat. I kept my eyes closed, smiled, and took in a long breath through my nose. 

"I like the way that grass smells."

"Me too." Mom said and we breathed deeply until the bush hogs reached the rear view. I started sneezing and tears ran down my cheeks. "You okay honey?"

"Uh huh."

"We're almost home."

Full House

My father phoned weekly. I would answer after the second ring. Attempting privacy, I would stretch our brown Trimline into the kitchen as far as it would give and take a seat on the wooden stool my step Papa made me. My father and i would speak about school, he'd catch up on my friends, and we'd discuss the weather. I made sure to speak loudly since my voice had to travel long distance, pausing after every word to confirm each one reached him.

"I have something exciting to tell you." He said one night. I got chills. We must be going to Hawaii in the summer like he promised. I was finally ten. "I met a friend at tennis. Her name is Cathy. We've been spending some time together and I really like her..."

"Cathy?" I interrupted. 

"Yes."

"Is she short?!"

"Yes."

"That's weird. Mom's best friend is named Cathy and she's short! You both have short friends named Cathy. Does she have short hair too? Like a boy?"

"Yes."

"That's really weird!" I laughed. 

"That is." Dad said. "But, anyway, I wanted to ask you, because I like her, and... what would you think if I asked her to marry me?"

I waited to make sure all the words came through. And after a few moments of silence I asked, "Are you going to have your honeymoon in Hawaii?"

"I don't know, maybe, I haven't asked her to marry me yet."

"Well, I think it would be pretty cool. I mean, what is she like? Does she have kids too?"

"No, she doesn't have any kids."

"Has she been married before? Mom's friend Cathy has been married lotsa times."

"Well, I think she's only been married once. Her favorite color is pink, your favorite, and she loves pepperoni pizza just like you."

"What about purple?"

"I'm sure she likes purple too but pink's her favorite. She also likes to cook and plant flowers."

"Maybe they're the same person." I said. 

"Maybe." Dad said. "You'll have to let me know when you meet her. I told her how well you did at Tennis camp last summer and she suggested that we all play together when you come out here."

"Like doubles?"

"Yeah, maybe you two against me."

"I don't think mom's Cathy plays tennis. I'm going to go ask and find out. Can you hang on a sec?"

"Jessie, its long distance. How about you ask her after we get off the phone and you can tell me next week."

"Ok. Sorry."

"So does that sound fun? All of us playing tennis?"

"Yeah, that sounds like fun. Do you think she'll like me?"

"I'm sure she's going to love you. I can't wait for you to meet her."

My mom ended our conversation from the living room. "Jessieeee, your show is on!"

"I gotta go dad. Full House is on."

"Ok Sport. Talk to you soon."

"Love you."

"I love you too."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and crawled in between my mom and step dad on the couch. 

"What did your dad have to say?" mom asked. 

"He wants to get married and he asked if it was ok."

"What? What did you say?"

"Okay."

"Yeah? Do you know her? When are they getting married?"

"Mom? Can we talk about it later? Uncle Jesse's on TV."

"Sure sweetie."

They were married that summer. She wore a cream colored skirt suit and they honeymooned on Amelia Island. I wasn't invited. 

devil daycare

I tried to dig up the devil once at ECEC, a daycare run by the first Baptist church of High Springs.

I wasn't part of the original digging crew. I sat in judgement on a swing nearby pretending to apply lipstick with a piece of mulch. Stupid ragamuffin kids digging under a tree. Then I heard "What IS it?!" "I ain't never seen this before!" and then...."Looks like the devil!". 

The Devil?! I jumped out of my swing so fast. this was monumental. This was the smartest thing these stupid kids have ever done. I pushed my way through to see what they had found... and when i saw it, I fell to my knees and started digging frantically with them. We excitedly encouraged each other with "hurry" and "faster". "We found the Devil!!!"

We couldn't decide what part of him we found though. Discussion ensued. We knew that no one has actually seen the devil in real life so he could possibly look nothing like the pictures we'd seen. Perhaps this was his hair or finger or some monster-ish tentacle. And when a boy suggested it was his penis, I thought that entirely possible too since i didn't know what that looked like either. 

Our excitement was contagious and more kids wondered over to check it out. Once they learned what we had found, they immediately joined in. Our group continued to grow until almost all the kids on the play ground were working together in one giant mob. Several kids would  pull on it in unison while the rest of us would dig to loosen the ground holding it. This method worked best, sometimes giving us a few feet at once. With each give, everyone would squeal and scream. More and more excitement ran through us. 

"What are we going to do when we get him out?" "We're going to be on the news!" "What if he gets away?" "He must be sleeping." "No, he's dead." "If he's  not dead we're gonna kill 'em!" "I'm gonna stomp on his head." "Yeah, lets stomp on his head!" It was a consensus. We were going to stomp on his head like everyone practiced in church. I didn't go to the devil stomping church with the rest of the kids but it sounded fun and i was sure i could figure it out. I couldn't wait to tell my atheist friends, who went to Tender Care down the road, what we had done that day.

I guess this sight was pretty alarming for our two councilors. They ran over screaming. This shot fear down most of us. Had we been wrong? Where we not strong enough to stomp out the devil on our own? Was he going to get us? All of us were questioned of our motives and punished for our actions. Then, to our horror, she showed us we had only been digging up a root from the tree. Disappointed, embarrassed, and dirty we went inside to spend the rest of the afternoon in darkness and silence. Stupid ragamuffin kids, I'd like to see what demons they face now. 

unfortunate pairing

And another night where I age myself with an angry brow. Pho dinner, again. 

I'm in line at the grocer buying seven cans of cat food and a bottle of market wine when i realize I look like a REAL Miss Lonely Heart...fuck. I'm disgusted with myself. How did i get all the way to the register with this combination? I'm always so careful with these things. I'm extremely conscience not to buy toilet paper and magazines together or any variation of tampons, chocolate, and Midol. I've reached a new low. This isn't my life and I can't understand why I'm living it. I immediately switch to judging everyone else...since I know what they're thinking of me. I hate everyone. Not like...just defensively...I really hate them. My worldview rotary slips back. My thoughts seem reminiscent of my republican origin. Everything magically makes sense again and when the bag boy with a lisp asks me if I need help to my car, I say, "I think I can manage".

"You will be fortunate, if you accept the next proposition you hear." hmmm interesting...